WHAT IF IT'S TOO LATE?

9/4/09

Days come and go and yet I haven't spoken to my special gift that god has given me to always love and respect in both good times and bad times. I feel like I'm all alone in this dark world where there's no one out there who can help you fix what you broke. when I'm sitting on my bed, drawing or writing, I start to day dream of those beautiful times I use to have in the past. Those dreams are unforgettable and I will always treasure in my heart, forever and ever.
Every flashback that comes to me, I saddened remembering and wishing to fix some of my worst mistakes. I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to ask for some advice so that I can cure this pain I hold deep inside. when I'm confused or feel lost, I don't know who to run to. I'm always in my own little sphere, collecting so much pressure. If I keep collecting so much pressure, the sphere wont be able to hold anymore that it will burst like a bubble.
I look around in my home and sometimes feel that time is standing still, as if it were purposely going by slowly for me to think. Even so, I still feel like I need more time to get all my thoughts together. Out there in the world where the sun rises and sets, I walk into the streets going to where I have to go and everything that I see, I either remember those loving memories or the horrible ones. sometimes I wish I could walk out there not feeling afraid of what I might see or what will come to me. But out there, I don't feel like I'm loosing oxygen, I just feel this anger coming over me. My rage rises when someone or something gets me on my nerves.
People think that I don't notice it, but I actually do. I notice things that other's may not. Whatever I encounter out there, I keep it to myself. Why? because I lost the privilege to speak to the one I had hurt. At home It's different. There I feel like these four walls are closing up on me taking the ability to breath, to keep myself alive. I feel that I have no privacy, and no peace when I want to do something or hide something personal. I fear this bewilderingly feeling. I can't even think straight because I sometimes feel like I'm loosing it.
Not being able to control myself and organize my thoughts. I just can't take this frustration anymore. When I have had enough, that's when those crystal looking tears roll down my face and take control over me.I sometimes deny what comes down my eyes, but the color and the liquid can't trick anyone else, just maybe myself. If i want to cry, then I should just cry. There's law against that, just that if I want to cry, I'm going to need a shoulder to cry on and something warm and comfortable that will make me feel safe, for example... a hug. I need a transcendental power that will help me go beyond to do what's best for my future. I ask for forgiveness and I hope I'll get an answer.