WHAT IF IT'S TOO LATE?

9/4/09

Days come and go and yet I haven't spoken to my special gift that god has given me to always love and respect in both good times and bad times. I feel like I'm all alone in this dark world where there's no one out there who can help you fix what you broke. when I'm sitting on my bed, drawing or writing, I start to day dream of those beautiful times I use to have in the past. Those dreams are unforgettable and I will always treasure in my heart, forever and ever.
Every flashback that comes to me, I saddened remembering and wishing to fix some of my worst mistakes. I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to ask for some advice so that I can cure this pain I hold deep inside. when I'm confused or feel lost, I don't know who to run to. I'm always in my own little sphere, collecting so much pressure. If I keep collecting so much pressure, the sphere wont be able to hold anymore that it will burst like a bubble.
I look around in my home and sometimes feel that time is standing still, as if it were purposely going by slowly for me to think. Even so, I still feel like I need more time to get all my thoughts together. Out there in the world where the sun rises and sets, I walk into the streets going to where I have to go and everything that I see, I either remember those loving memories or the horrible ones. sometimes I wish I could walk out there not feeling afraid of what I might see or what will come to me. But out there, I don't feel like I'm loosing oxygen, I just feel this anger coming over me. My rage rises when someone or something gets me on my nerves.
People think that I don't notice it, but I actually do. I notice things that other's may not. Whatever I encounter out there, I keep it to myself. Why? because I lost the privilege to speak to the one I had hurt. At home It's different. There I feel like these four walls are closing up on me taking the ability to breath, to keep myself alive. I feel that I have no privacy, and no peace when I want to do something or hide something personal. I fear this bewilderingly feeling. I can't even think straight because I sometimes feel like I'm loosing it.
Not being able to control myself and organize my thoughts. I just can't take this frustration anymore. When I have had enough, that's when those crystal looking tears roll down my face and take control over me.I sometimes deny what comes down my eyes, but the color and the liquid can't trick anyone else, just maybe myself. If i want to cry, then I should just cry. There's law against that, just that if I want to cry, I'm going to need a shoulder to cry on and something warm and comfortable that will make me feel safe, for example... a hug. I need a transcendental power that will help me go beyond to do what's best for my future. I ask for forgiveness and I hope I'll get an answer.

COLLEGE...

Ever since I had started college, I haven't been feeling myself lately. I feel like I won't be able to do well. I guess because work that they are giving me, is actually harder than I had expected, especially the class work. It isn't Do now's anymore, or Free write. I don't even use my pen anymore, well, I only use it to take notes. I don't even have time to draw anymore, or write my stories or type more blog entries. I can't even chat with my friends online. Only once in a while.
At first, It was hard. I hated when I had to give in information about me, such as residency, shots, and stuff like that. It was very annoying because they were making me go up and down the stairs, back and forth, back and forth. Damn it was annoying but I lived. Now that I had settled in that school, I thought It was going to start easy... but then... things started to get a little difficult. I had to start buying a lot of things. Books, supplies, it was a lot of money that I had to waste but at least I received some back up from the school. You know, scholarships and awards. If I never had received some back up, who know, I wouldn't be able to buy everything on time. But you know what pissed me off? I wasn't able to find some of the books that I needed for class, but at least the professor gave me another chance to buy the book and if I don't, she said she will take some points off of my grade. ( I seriously didn't like that idea ).
I started looking for the book that I had needed, which was the last one, I went to the book store at my school, but they didn't sell them. I was looking it up on line, but I couldn't order because I don't have a debit or a check account, so it was very difficult for me to do that. There was only one thing left for me to do, and it was to ask Adam a favor.^ ^ I asked him if he can order it for me online, because it is much more cheaper. He agreed but then I told him that I needed it before Monday because the professor assigned homework in that book. He then decided to buy it in a store instead. I was counting on him to get it for me, and when he does I was going to pay him back.^ ^ He said no, but I insisted.
I felt very happy and loved that he got it for me. I thank him so much. Hopefully now, I will be able to do all my work and study too. I need to really focus on passing all of my classes so that I can graduate and forget about school. But not my friends though, they will always be remembered in my heart.^ ^

What my eyes will later see

Ringo-Chan
Soon enough, I will be able to go back to highschool, and be able to say hello to my lovely friends and teachers. I officially started college, but it's not going to stop me from going to visit my old friends. Yesterday though, I actually went to visit the school. I was very happy that I was able to get in with the help of my good friend Adam.^ ^ I saw Ms Djanes. she was so happy to see me that she almost had tears rolling down her cheeks. I was happy as well. Things haven't changed as much just as yet. But maybe later on it will.
When I had visited the school, I was happy, and excited, but then I saddened because there was something missing. Something that made me feel that should be there but wasn't. And those who were missing, were the rest of my friends. I had flashbacks as soon as I had entered the school, but then I had wished every one was there, excited to see eachother. Maybe as we say hello to eachother we may probably cry or just smile. Also maybe we would sit together and have fun and just remember those fun times. I can't wait to go back though, on that day where we will all meet eachother, which hopefully is on December.^ ^ I hope that everyone will show up just to remember those great time we had at Urban assembly school of music and art. ^ ^